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the price of a good night’s sleep

i’ve got it all figured out now. according to this month’s issue of health magazine and their cereal box psychology, i need a few essential items to turn my bedroom into a more “soothing” place and promote restful sleep:

1. a pair of natural-fiber pajamas (and i eat my fiber?): light pima cotton cami and boxers, $66 and $40 (“pima” and “cami” were words used in the article, so i’m assuming they exist).

2. an old-fashioned alarm clock, $69 (it seems the bright displays on modern clocks disrupts sleep, and my guess is simply covering it with a book violates some basic feng-shui law).

3. a chamomile and lavender jar candle, $18 (can i skip the bed-time chamomile tea, then?)

4. a multivitamin hand and nail treatment, $22.50 (there seems to be a trend here: i’m ingesting stuff meant to be applied topically, worn, or otherwise snorted).

5. a french organic lavender hand cream, $16 (on top of the nail treatment? this is beginning to get way too confusing and complicated).

6. a simple linen knit throw in pure white, $98 (forget the good old blanket. i need something qualified by at least 5 adjectives).

7. a thomas paul zinnia gray pillow, $40 (is the color of utmost importance or gray just the guy’s last name? should i google it…?).

8. and finally, so my skin can breathe, i need percale (another word i’m assuming exists) sheets. himmeli bed linens in a soothing soft gray will do. $109 to $129. (hmm… doesn’t it seem just obvious that the linen and pillow should match? gray is not the guy’s name).

so let’s see… that adds up to… $478.50, if i opt for the cheaper linen (smart shopper i am). and if i’m sleeping, then i’m not lowering my literary standards by reading this sort of magazine… ok, i’ll go swallow a clonazepam. wait… or i should crush and snort* it?

*disclaimer: this is just a feeble attempt at humor and by no means a prescription, nor even a mere suggestion on my part for anyone to do that. you’ve been warned.

sweet dreams.

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{ 9 comments… add one }
  • Anonymous March 27, 2008, 2:13 pm

    Se for ara gastar tudo isto, ai sim
    e que nao vou dormir mesmo…
    Fico com minhas dificuldades para
    dormir, sem gastar dinheiro…
    Gostei assim mesmo deste artigo e
    seus palpites..Boa noite, sem gastar…….

  • Jessica Deline March 27, 2008, 3:00 pm

    that was funny! 🙂 though I must say that most of these items are reusable, so if you use them for about a year and a half your good nights sleep is about $1/night 😉

  • Lynda March 27, 2008, 2:37 pm

    This post may have been done in jest, but you’ve certainly hit upon the main thing keeping people from using Feng Shui in their lives – price. And the truth is that you don’t have to spend a lot to get a better night’s sleep.

  • Chris March 28, 2008, 9:49 pm

    How about just knocking back 3 glasses of wine, it’s cheaper;)

  • fvclassic April 5, 2008, 2:36 am

    for everything else… there’s master card !:)

    Have a chardonnay and happy trails
    gp in montana

  • Anonymous April 8, 2008, 2:08 pm


    I am interested in advertising my client on your blog.

    Can you get back to me on this.


  • Anonymous April 8, 2008, 2:09 pm


    I am interested in advertising my client on your blog.

    Can you get back to me on this.


  • David Ray April 25, 2008, 6:29 pm

    I’m not advertising anything.

    Very entertaining stuff here. Looking forward to more down the road.

  • Faithful Soles July 14, 2008, 11:43 pm

    Good grief, even if I bought all of that stuff, I couldn’t sleep knowing I’d have to pay it off. lol

    I kept waiting to read “…and a good night’s sleep… Pricelsss”.

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