i’ve got it all figured out now. according to this month’s issue of health magazine and their cereal box psychology, i need a few essential items to turn my bedroom into a more “soothing” place and promote restful sleep:
1. a pair of natural-fiber pajamas (and i eat my fiber?): light pima cotton cami and boxers, $66 and $40 (“pima” and “cami” were words used in the article, so i’m assuming they exist).
2. an old-fashioned alarm clock, $69 (it seems the bright displays on modern clocks disrupts sleep, and my guess is simply covering it with a book violates some basic feng-shui law).
3. a chamomile and lavender jar candle, $18 (can i skip the bed-time chamomile tea, then?)
4. a multivitamin hand and nail treatment, $22.50 (there seems to be a trend here: i’m ingesting stuff meant to be applied topically, worn, or otherwise snorted).
5. a french organic lavender hand cream, $16 (on top of the nail treatment? this is beginning to get way too confusing and complicated).
6. a simple linen knit throw in pure white, $98 (forget the good old blanket. i need something qualified by at least 5 adjectives).
7. a thomas paul zinnia gray pillow, $40 (is the color of utmost importance or gray just the guy’s last name? should i google it…?).
8. and finally, so my skin can breathe, i need percale (another word i’m assuming exists) sheets. himmeli bed linens in a soothing soft gray will do. $109 to $129. (hmm… doesn’t it seem just obvious that the linen and pillow should match? gray is not the guy’s name).
so let’s see… that adds up to… $478.50, if i opt for the cheaper linen (smart shopper i am). and if i’m sleeping, then i’m not lowering my literary standards by reading this sort of magazine… ok, i’ll go swallow a clonazepam. wait… or i should crush and snort* it?
*disclaimer: this is just a feeble attempt at humor and by no means a prescription, nor even a mere suggestion on my part for anyone to do that. you’ve been warned.